The Lie of the 'High Road'

Fellas,

Let’s talk about something that gets dressed up as encouragement but often feels the opposite. The civil co-parenting advice that shows up on social media and in court-mandated workshops.

The kind that says things like “Just focus on the kids,” or the classic, “Make the most of your weekend time.”

At one point, I used to repeat those same mantras. Don’t react. Stay above the drama. Keep the peace. But peace means nothing when it’s one-sided.

They don’t speak to the Dad who’s watching his child be turned against him in real time. Nor to the man who’s been told to ‘keep it calm’ while your child’s mother weaponizes silence, confusion, or even love.

And they don’t speak to the fathers who are doing everything right on paper paying support, showing up, staying patient but still feel like visitors in their child’s life.

Let’s challenge a few ideas that get tossed around like gospel truth. Not to be bitter. But to be honest. Because too many of us are choking on sweet-sounding advice that doesn’t hold up in the heat.

Quality Time Isn’t Just Weekend Magic

"Make the most of your weekends!"

That line gets repeated like it’s the golden rule for non-custodial dads. They say it like you’re a travel agent… or a magician.

A lot of fathers only get four to six days a month. When every hour feels like it has to count, you’re walking a tightrope between wanting to have fun and just enjoy your time together while needing to provide structure.

And sure, outings matter. Trips to the Park, museum visits, backyard games those are great. But if your kid comes over already distant, no zoo trip is going to patch that overnight.

What builds connection isn’t the big day it’s presence:

Rituals anchor a relationship, even when time is scarce. Presence isn’t defined by the custody calendar.

It’s the consistent pattern of care, even when it feels one-sided. Because every small touchpoint is a reminder: "I’m still here."

Idealistic Co-Parenting Advice Can Be Dangerous

Most co-parenting advice is based on the idea that two mature adults, post-divorce, can come together with mutual respect and open communication. And yes, that’s a worthy goal.

But what happens when one party isn’t playing by those rules?

What happens when your texts go unanswered? When your child says, "Mom told me not to talk about that with you"? How about when your updates are met with silence or spin?

The advice still says: “Don’t react.” “Take the high road.” “Kill them with kindness.”

You’re being asked to parent in the dark, while pretending everything is normal. It makes you question your voice, your role, even your instincts.

Too many Fathers are trying to follow the script of peace when they’re parenting through chaos. And that script doesn’t work if the other actor is flipping pages behind your back.

“Just focus on the child” feels tone-deaf when your ex is actively undermining you behind closed doors. You show up to practice, and the coach says you weren’t listed as an emergency contact.

You send updates about school. No reply. You ask to swap a weekend for a family event, blocked. You’re told to take the high road. But that road has multiple curves, no map, and no railings.

One Father told me:

That’s not peace. That’s erasure.

Conflict Doesn’t Mean You’re Failing

One of the quiet shames dads carry is the guilt of friction.

Sometimes it means you’re up against a stacked deck. That you’re trying to connect with a child who’s being taught to fear or dismiss you. That you’re being calm in the face of passive aggression or withheld information.

And the people who are quick to tell you "Just don’t engage" often don’t know what it’s like to be under legal threat for every perceived misstep.

We can’t equate conflict to failure.

There is a difference between stirring up drama and standing your ground. You can advocate for yourself and your child without losing your integrity.

When a kid withdraws, when pick-up becomes a scene, or when the other parent keeps shifting the goalposts it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.

Sometimes it means you’re holding a line no one else wants to admit exists.

Think of the dad who documents everything not out of paranoia, but survival. He saves every text, records every detail, not to “win,” but to not get erased in the legal fog.

Or the one who insists on email communication only because every conversation turns into emotional bait. Setting boundaries isn’t conflict its courage.

Yes, we should aim for calm. Yes, peace is always better than war. But pretending conflict doesn’t exist or worse, that it’s your fault just because it exists doesn’t help anyone.

Real Co-Parenting Requires Real Boundaries

Co-parenting should always be a dance between two people moving in sync for the sake of the child. But sometimes, co-parenting is trench warfare.

A co-parenting dynamic that works isn’t one where one parent constantly sacrifices their time, authority, or emotional well-being just to keep the peace.

It’s one where both parents understand boundaries. If you need to communicate only through email, that’s okay. If you want to record exchanges or save messages, that’s wise.

If you find that your mental health improves by setting limits around conversation topics, that’s not bitter; that’s healthy.

Setting boundaries doesn’t make you difficult. It makes you stable. You are not obligated to absorb emotional jabs for the sake of being "easy to work with."

You don’t have to accept being sidelined just to avoid being labeled "combative." You can be a great father and still protect yourself from harm.

Stop Waiting for Permission to Parent

Many of us have internalized the idea that we can only be as involved as we’re allowed to be. That we need everything to be perfectly coordinated. That we need the co-sign of the other parent to feel legitimate.

But that idea is corrosive. It turns fathers into background figures waiting for access instead of active participants shaping their child’s life.

Your child doesn’t need permission to love you. And you don’t need permission to be consistent, creative, and committed.

Whether it’s mailing letters, texting affirmations, showing up at games, or creating small rituals they can count on these are things you can do regardless of the climate on the other side of the parenting equation.

If your only contact is court-ordered weekends? Make those weekends steady, safe, and filled with memories. The truth is, a lot of parenting advice isn’t made for us.

It wasn’t written for the father trying to parent across distance, distrust, and silence. It wasn’t designed for the dad who only gets fragments of time, or the one fighting to stay involved in a world that keeps assuming he doesn’t care.

Don’t wait for a book to tell you it’s okay to do what you know is right.

Don’t wait for the weekend to be a dad.

The Father your child needs isn’t waiting to be invited.

He’s already knocking.

Until next time,

Barkim