What Actually Stays

Fellas,

I was having a conversation the other day, texting back and forth with a friend. This is someone I’ve been going to movies with for years.

He’s a year older than me, had his license before I did, and when we were kids, we ended up at the theater a lot. We saw Star Wars: Episode I The Phantom Menace together probably six times.

He’s also a photographer now. Really into film, not just watching it but understanding it.

Somehow the conversation turned into this: “You’re stuck on an island. Forever. And you get a set number of movies to bring with you. What are you bringing?

That’s it.

At first, we said five. That didn’t last long. Every time we tried to lock it in, one of us would say, “Nah, you can’t leave that one out.”

So five turned into ten. Even then, it didn’t feel complete. It’s not about the “best” movies. It’s about the moments tied to them. At one point, I had my list. Then he sent me his.

His was different. More refined. Classic films, layered stuff.

I looked down at mine and started making adjustments. Even though I’d be on that island by myself.🤷🏾‍♂️ One thing that stood out, he had Basic Instinct on his list.

I laughed and texted him, “Basic Instinct?”

He hit me back with, “…after year 4 of watching action films you’re gonna wish you had some cheeks and tatas to place your eyes on.”

That’s where Busty Cops made my list.

And somewhere in all of that, I started realizing something. These weren’t just movies. They were different points in my life.

Who I was when I watched them. A movie hits different when you’re 16 than it does when you’re 40.

Looking at this list, most of these aren’t here because they’re the “best” movies. They’re here because I’ve watched them a lot. They’re different points in my life.

Aliens and Robocop 2 take me back to being a kid. Watching those for the first time, I’d never seen anything like that before. They felt real in a way nothing else did at that age.

Captain America, Ride Along, Pineapple Express; those were on repeat at different points in my life.

That’s really what this list is. The movies that stayed with me long enough to mean something.

My Cousin Vinny, that one hits different. That’s tied to a time. Me and my ex, early days. No cable. Just a VCR and that tape. No matter what happened later, that movie stays.

It wasn’t about the movies. It was what they carried with them.

Most of us think the big moments are what matter. The trips. The birthdays. The holidays. The milestones you can point to.

And those things matter. You spend time planning them. Making sure everything’s lined up. And those moments create memories.

But that’s not always what sticks.

It’s not always the thing that took the most planning. It’s the day you ended up at the store together and it turned into something random.

The time you stayed outside a little longer than you planned. The day you taught your child how to ride something, fix something, figure something out.

The ride to practice. The conversation that wasn’t supposed to be anything. It’s the things that kept showing up. The moments that didn’t ask for attention but earned it anyway.

Traditions aren’t planned. They’re built. A father picks his child up every other weekend. Every time, they stop at the same place on the way home. At first, it’s just convenient.

Then it becomes expected. Then one day, years later, that child grows up and says, “We always used to go there.” That’s how it works.

And this matters even more if your time is limited.

When Time is the Problem

We get stuck here sometimes. Because life gets full, and it starts to feel like there isn’t enough time.

You only see them sometimes.

And in the middle of everything else, you’re trying to make sense of one simple thought: “I just want to be a good dad.” That thought is honest.

But what does “good” even mean?

So instead of chasing that feeling, you give it structure. You stop trying to define “good” in your head and you start defining it in what you do.

“I am the kind of father who” calls when he says he will, keeps things predictable, shows up the same way every time.

Now you have something real. Not a feeling. A pattern. And if you need help holding that pattern in place, you build a simple system around it. You need one action and a way to repeat it.

You’re not tracking to judge yourself. You’re tracking to stay consistent.

Even when it feels like it’s not working. Even when there’s no response.

You keep putting in the effort without seeing anything come back. This is where your mind can start working against you if you’re not careful.

A call ends quick. A message doesn’t get answered. A visit feels off. And without even realizing it, your thoughts start filling in the blanks.

“This isn’t working.”

“They don’t want to talk to me.”

“I’m losing them.”

That’s the part you have to slow down and look at. Because those thoughts feel real, but that doesn’t make them true. The facts are simple.

The call was short. The message didn’t get a response. The moment didn’t go the way you pictured it.

That’s it.

Everything else is what your mind is adding on top of it. And if you don’t separate the two, you start reacting to something that isn’t fully true.

So instead of running with the first thought that shows up, you pause.

You ask yourself: “What actually happened?” “What do I know for sure?” “What am I assuming?”

Because once you strip it back down to what’s real, you can respond instead of react. And most of the time, what’s real is a lot simpler than what it felt like in the moment.

Which means you don’t pull back. You don’t change your pattern. You stay steady. It sounds simple when you say it. Show up. Stay consistent. Let it build. But living it feels different.

When It Feels Like Nothing Is Happening

This is the part nobody prepares you for. You’re doing the work. You’re calling. You’re texting. You’re showing up.

And it feels like it’s going nowhere. The calls are short. The responses are minimal. Sometimes there’s no response at all.

And you start questioning it. “Is this even doing anything?” It is. Just not in the way you expect. Because children don’t measure relationships the way adults do.

They don’t sit back and analyze effort.

At first, your consistency feels invisible. Then it feels normal. Then it becomes something they expect.

And eventually it becomes something they rely on. That’s when the shift happens. Not all at once. A call gets answered without hesitation. A message gets responded to faster.

A conversation lasts a little longer. And one day they reach out to you first. Not because you forced it. Because you stayed.

A call you almost skipped. A message you sent anyway. A routine that felt ordinary at the time. Those are the things that build something. Because in the end, it’s not about the biggest scenes.

It’s about the ones that made it in.

And if your child had to sit down one day and make that list

What would they keep?

Until next time,

Barkim

P.S. I want to hear from you this week. What’s on your movie list? Drop it in the comments if you’re online or hit the poll / reply back. I’ll be reading through them.

P.S.S. Quick reminder; there’s a puzzle site linked below. Some of you have already been using it. If you haven’t checked it out yet, give it a try this week.

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