- Letters for Dads
- Posts
- When Dad Comes Back: Rebuilding What Distance Broke
When Dad Comes Back: Rebuilding What Distance Broke
If you feel like an outsider in your son’s life, here’s how to change that.
Barkim Boone
April 25, 2025
In partnership with
Fellas,
There’s a loud quiet that echos in a man. The silence of a child that you used to know.
Maybe it was divorce. Maybe work became the mistress. Maybe you were incarcerated. Maybe you blinked and years slipped past.
Whatever the reason, here you are, a father with silence. The moments missed. The “used to be” that’s louder than the “what could be.”
This is for the fathers carrying that silence like a weight in their chest. The ones who don’t know how to knock on the door they used to have a key to.
The truth? You can rebuild. Not overnight. Not with one grand gesture. But with time, humility, and consistency, you can earn your way back into your son’s world not as a ghost of who you were, but as a father ready to stay.
Let’s get into the practical side of how.
Start With Accountability, Not Excuses
Rebuilding the bond between a father and son after years of distance isn’t a single act it’s a pattern, a rhythm you step into slowly, with open hands.
You don’t begin this work by kicking down doors. You begin by letting go of what you thought you'd need to say.
Drop the need to be understood before you listen. Your son has his version of this story, and it may sting to hear. But it’s his, and it’s true to him.
If you want trust, if you want anything resembling restoration, your first gift cannot be love or logic it has to be accountability.
What You Can Do:
Acknowledge the hurt without defending your actions.
Apologize clearly and without strings.
Don’t rush a response. Give him room to feel.
Ask, Don’t Assume
When you finally get to speak, don’t start with your pain. Lead with his. Ask him what he remembers, what he needed. Ouch. That stuff cuts. It’s also information, data; an insight into what he’s carrying and what you need to repair.
This isn’t about defending the version of yourself you wish you had been. This is about making room for what he carried while you were gone.
You may not get his humor anymore, or his taste in music, or why he’s obsessed with that one game or artist or sneaker. That’s okay. Your job isn't to approve it’s to connect.
Find the thread. Gaming? Basketball? A shared love of sci-fi? Breakfast at the same diner? It doesn’t have to be big. It just has to be real. Follow that thread wherever it leads.
Questions to Ask:
“Was there ever a time you really needed me, and I wasn’t there?”
(This opens the door to moments that mattered most to him, not just the ones you remember).
“What did you hear about me when I was gone? And what did you believe?”
(Gets at the influence of others and how it shaped his view of you).
“What does having a dad mean to you now?”
(A reflective, open-ended question that invites him to define the relationship on his own terms).
Consistency Rebuilds What Time Tore Down
The truth is, you can't fix years of silence with a single weekend. Broken trust can't be repaired with a good dinner and a heartfelt apology. Reconnection doesn’t come in fireworks it flickers like candlelight.
Steady. Sometimes barely visible.
You show up not once, but over and over. You text even if you don’t get a reply. You call even if you know it'll go to voicemail. You knock even if the door doesn’t open. That’s not desperation it’s devotion.
That’s what a man does when he's serious about showing up. Not just when it’s convenient or when there’s a guarantee. But when it’s hard, thankless, boring. Especially then.
Practical Ideas:
Send a text every Sunday night: “Thinking of you. Hope your week goes smooth.”
Mail a handwritten card (yes, mail). It hits different.
If possible, pick a regular time to meet up: monthly breakfast, weekly walk, even a call during a shared TV show.
Don’t Expect the Old Relationship Build a New One
It’s tempting to try and rewind time. To wish you could go back to when he was small and ran to you with wide eyes and open arms. Nostalgia won’t rebuild this bridge.
What you can do, what you must do is build forward. New rituals. New memories. New respect. You’re different now, so is he. This is not a loss it’s an opportunity.
Let your relationship evolve into what it’s meant to be today, not what it was yesterday
You’ve both changed. So, stop trying to get back to how things were. Focus on what can be built now; two people understanding each other, choosing connection in this new season.
What That Looks Like:
New inside jokes
New traditions
Honest conversations, even when awkward
A mutual (verbal) understanding that this is forward looking
Rebuilding Happens in the Boring Moments
Because love, real love, doesn’t prove itself in big declarations. It shows up in the mundane.
The Tuesday morning check-in. The “How’s your week?” text. Quiet car rides where you don’t push for conversation, you just ride.
That’s where the bond lives. In the ordinary. The hardest truth of all. This will take time; more time than we want.
There will be one-word answers, long pauses and missed chances, but if you stay in it; if you stay steady, there will also be moments. Small cracks in the wall. A “Hey, Dad” that comes unexpectedly. A question about your day.
One day, if you keep showing up, he might say it out loud or maybe he won’t, but he’ll know: “You never gave up on me”.
And that’s what we’re working for. Not applause not a dramatic reunion. Just the quiet, earned love of a son who realizes slowly, and then all at once that his father was indomitable. So no, this isn’t easy work. But it’s sacred work. And it starts with your hands open.
You Belong in His Life.
You are not too late.
You are his father.
until next time,
Barkim
Recommended:
Stay up-to-date with AI
The Rundown is the most trusted AI newsletter in the world, with 1,000,000+ readers and exclusive interviews with AI leaders like Mark Zuckerberg, Demis Hassibis, Mustafa Suleyman, and more.
Their expert research team spends all day learning what’s new in AI and talking with industry experts, then distills the most important developments into one free email every morning.
Plus, complete the quiz after signing up and they’ll recommend the best AI tools, guides, and courses – tailored to your needs.
Quotes and Quotes and Quotes:
“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” - Aristotle
“Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.” - John Lennon
“You can’t help what you feel, but you can help how you behave.” - Margeret Artwood
“A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.” - Albert einstein
“We cannot solve problems with the kind thinking we employed when we came up with them.” - Albert einstein (👍🏾)
“Do one thing every day that scares you.” - Eleanor Roosevelt
“If you look at what you have in life, you’ll always have more. If you look at what you don’t have in life, you’ll never have enough” - Oprah Winfrey
Some Activities to Try:
Geocaching Adventures: Use a GPS or a smartphone app to hunt for hidden "treasures" in your local area. It's like a real-world scavenger hunt. Upcoming Adventures — Geocaching Adventures, LLC
DIY Science Experiments: Try fun, safe experiments like building a volcano with baking soda and vinegar or making slime. 9 Non-Toxic Slime Recipes to Make at Home/How To Make a Volcano for the Science Fair
Parkour Playground: Go to a local park and turn it into your obstacle course. Test your agility by climbing, jumping, and navigating structures. (NY area) The Movement Creative
Create a Comic Book: Use your imagination to create characters and a storyline together. You can sketch it out or use online tools to bring it to life. AI Comic Generator: Create Stunning Comics Online for Free - AI Ease
Homemade Rocket Launch – Build a baking soda or air-powered rocket and blast it into the sky. How to make Homemade Rocket with Vinegar and Baking Soda
We’ll call it News:
On a scale of 1-5 Your enjoyment of the letter1 being the lowest (please provide feedback) |